Your failure to immediately submit to the most just demands of the Shining Sun of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has put your most unfortunate administration and country in grave danger.
Even now, the forces of Juche are preparing to annihilate you and your progeny, down to your second wife’s great-great-grandchildren.
Your last remaining hope is to fulfill the list of demands released to you recently, in addition to these new demands, which you, as a capitalist exploiter, may think of as interest on your outstanding debt:
I demand that you ship all stray dogs in your country to North Korea
I demand that you meet me in the Demilitarized Zone for a photo-op on the border, and that you sign a resulting glossy with a red Sharpie
I demand that your security team and my security team take part in a 45-minute game of Capture The Flag in the DMZ
I demand that you prevail upon the government in South Korea to ban K-Pop
I demand that you send Taco Bell technicians over here to show us how to grow refried beans
I demand that you acknowledge that you caused the death of my dear half-brother earlier this year by failing to anticipate my first list of demands
I demand that you ensure that Yale commits to its tentative outreach to confer on me an honorary degree
I demand to be a panelist by satellite hookup on Shark Tank
I demand to be interviewed for two and a half hours live on MSNBC by Rachel Maddow
I demand that you arrange for a joint North America/People’s Democratic Republic of Korea bid for the 2026 World Cup
I demand that I be given any draft picks that the New England Patriots have to forfeit in the future
I demand that you confiscate all large magazines and bump-fire stocks and send them here
I demand that you solemnly denounce Harry Truman and take his name off the U.S. Navy aircraft carrier
I demand that the American celebrities who can’t stand you stop saying that they are going to move to Canada or Europe and start saying that they are going to move to North Korea
You have less time to fulfill each and every one of these demands than you think.
