Kim Jong-un’s List of Demands for Donald Trump

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To the Psycho Trump:


Your recent execrable execrations at the United Nations only add to your legendary war crimes and the terrible punishments that await you.

To prevent an immediate unleashing of the incredible power of the people of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea — that’s North Korea, you idiot — herewith is a series of demands that you must fulfill immediately, if not sooner.

Understand that any failure on your part will result in the total destruction of your illegitimate regime and your most unfortunate country.

I demand that you, in your powers as a former beauty pageant mogul, declare my wife a bona fide supermodel.

I demand that you send me several dozen of those extra-long ties and show me how to wear them.

I demand that you airlift Weight Watchers Doritos and cheeseballs

I demand that you come up with a more dignified ‘70s pop-song insult for me than “Rocket Man,” such as “Shooting Star”

I demand all the electricity of Trump Tower

I demand that you build a Trump Tower in Pyongyang

I demand that you force Geico to make a series of commercials in North Korea.  Funny ones.

I demand that you make Metformin taste like candy.  Good candy.

I demand that you send Charles Barkley to my private island to show me how to become a round mound of rebound

I demand that you send Jimmy Carter over here as a special envoy to show us how to grow peanuts

I demand that you remove all statues of Douglas MacArthur

I demand that you act on my offer of asylum for all members of Antifa

I demand that you send your X-Box national champion on a tour of North Korean cities, with his own rations

I demand that you force Tom Brady to record an audio book version of The TB12 Method in Korean with a Geneva accent

I demand that you send Mark Burnett over to produce a series of reality television shows set in North Korea and ensure that they are shown on Fox


Any failure or delay on your part will result in your immediate immolation.

After you have completed all of these tasks, a new series of demands will be issued.

Kim Jong-un is the Grand Marshal of the Republic and its Shining Sun.