The Old Codger on Valentine’s Day

Printed from:
If there’s one thing today’s snowflakes need help with — hold on, now that I think about it, it’s just about everything!
But the latest thing I’m hearing all you young whippersnappers, people under age 67, and even some of you middle-agers, people under age 85, yammering on about this week, is this here St. Valentine’s Day, and the big whoop de doo about how to go about loving and romancing.
Well, good thing you have the Old Codger to straighten you out!
The first mistake a lot of you people are making, is trying this Internet dating.  Internet dating?  Ha!  Just look at the names of some of those web sites:  Tinder!  Match!  No wonder you go up in flames!
Now you might be asking what kind of plans I have for Mrs. Old Codger on St. V’s Day.  I’ll tell you!  I’ll be taking her out to a swanky joint:  our kitchen table!  And we’ll be having a special dinner:  whatever she cooks!  You might ask what’s so special about that?  I’ll tell you what! I won’t complain about how much she burns the food — too much!
And that’s not all!  We’ll turn the lights down low.  Mrs. Old Codger calls this Romance.  I call it:  saving money on electricity!
Then we’ll have a nice conversation.  I’ll go on for awhile, then give her a chance.  Once she gets going, I can switch off my hearing aid and take a little nap.  (The low lights help with that as well!)
I usually wake up about the time she’s winding up.  Now you might ask, what can I say when I have no idea what she was gabbling on about for the past hour or so.  Why, I just throw in a handy comment that covers any possible situation:  “It wouldn’t be like that if Calvin Coolidge were still president!”
Now, I know some of you might be saying, “Sure, that’s fine for you now, but how do I go about reeling in that special flounder in the first place?”
Well, first some advice for you gals.  Let’s suppose you cross paths with some gentleman who’s witty, intelligent, with movie star good looks:  in other words, someone like me!  Well, then, run, don’t walk, to snag him!  Or, if you’re a little closer to my age, shuffle along a little faster than usual!
Now advice for you fellas.
Well, I’ll just tell you how I did it!
First of all, I wasn’t going to settle for just anyone.  I have my standards!  I wanted someone with most of her own teeth, and all of her own fingers!  So once I found a young lovely who checked all the boxes, I just gave her a bit of the old codger charm (young codger charm in those days):  “You don’t see anyone better coming down the road, do you?” I said.  It probably didn’t hurt that this was during a blizzard, so there was no one else at all on the roads.
So then I gave her another powerful line (and you youngsters can write this one down):  “Let’s get while the getting’s good!”
Well, that’s all it took when you’re as irresistible as me!
Pretty soon she was laying the old feminine charm on me, and she made me a home cooked meal.  It was a little burned, but I let it go.  I figured she’d improve over time.  And I was right!  She did improve!  She learned how to burn the food faster!
Well, we had a few bumps at first, I suppose, but then we got on together like a house on fire!  In fact, the house was on fire!  That was her cooking again!
So that was that, and 67 years later, we’re still together.
At least, I think that’s what happened!  That would explain why there’s this old woman living in the house with me!
Valentine’s Day: A Rebuttal 
By Mrs. Old Codger 
I suppose some of you might have been reading some of the latest foolishness from my lying old husband.
Usually I don’t pay him too much attention when he’s writing away on one of his columns.  It quiets him down a bit and keeps him out of my hair for a while.
But every now and again, I’ll put on my triple strength reading glasses and have a gander at one of his little articles.
As for his latest one, on Valentine’s Day, dearie me!  That one’s a doozy!  I think I need to set the record straight on a few things for any of the ladies who might be out there reading.
Let’s see what he said.  Oh, yes, he said if you see someone like him, you should run, not walk.  That’s right!  You should run!  The other way!
Then he talked about his movie star good looks.  Ho ho!  He looks like someone who was in the movies, all right:  Frankenstein!
In fairness, I did think he got better looking over time.  In fact, he looked a little bit better looking every year my eyesight got worse!
He is a bit dreamy.  By which I mean he often falls asleep in the middle of the day and starts dreaming!
So all you ladies out there looking for relationship advice — let’s see now.  Find a good man, or, if all the good ones are taken, do what I did and take whatever you can get!
Now some of you romantic types might ask if there’s anything good at all about my old husband.
Let me just think about that for a minute.
Well, I suppose he’s good at telling the neighborhood kids to stay off our lawn.
Hmm, now.  Thinking a little more.
Well, I suppose now, if you really ask me, I suppose now, maybe every once in a while, if the moon is shining just right, and I squint a little, and he has his Engelbert Humperdinck records crooning off softly off in the background …
Well, then, maybe, just maybe, he’s not too bad.  In fact, maybe I won’t quite toss him out yet …
So, girls, any of you out looking for love, I send you out my best wishes.  Just keep your love-sick paws off my man!