What Happens: San Francisco’s all-run office goes on pointless 13-minute drives, featuring alternating seven-yard runs and false starts, ending in punts pinning the Chiefs on the 1-foot line. One touchdown on 55-yard bootleg by Jimmy Garoppolo when the entire Chiefs defense goes the wrong way, followed by missed extra point.
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Brutish
Result: Kansas City Chiefs, 65-64
Winner Against Point Spread: San Francisco 49ers
Over/Under: Way Over
MVP: The ball boy
What Happens: Both teams forget they’re in the Super Bowl, act like it’s a ‘90s Pro Bowl, with no defensive effort whatsoever.
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Short
Result: None; J Lo halftime show has wardrobe malfunction followed by stage malfunction that burns a hole in the field the size of the Union Army’s crater at Petersburg, game abandoned
Winner Against Point Spread: All the advertisers who didn’t splurge on the Big Game
Over/Under: Under
MVP: J Lo’s pyrotechnics guy
What Happens: Halftime happens.
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The Old Codger
Result: Crankiness – What is this “Big Game” all about, anyway?
Winner Against Point Spread: Whoever can get Fox to preempt this farce and put on I Love Lucy reruns instead
