Massachusetts Governor Issues New Order

By Matt McDonald | May 29, 2020, 9:52 EDT

Office of the Governor of the Commonwealth
NEW State House (the one built in 1798)
Boston, Massachusetts

EXECUTIVE ORDER # 2020-86

WHEREAS, it has come to my attention that the coronavirus illness known as COVID-19 is well on the backside of a curve; and

WHEREAS, people in low-risk groups have started going about their daily business; and

WHEREAS, the ratings of my coronavirus press conferences have dropped precipitously; and

WHEREAS, the governor of Rhode Island gets a lot more attention for hers; and

WHEREAS, I will never have this much power again; and

WHEREAS, it has never been proven that rigorous social distancing and face things don’t help not spread the virus; and

WHEREAS, it’s not Biogen’s fault; and

WHEREAS, no one I talk to ever says not to; and

WHEREAS, Dr. Tony Fauci would agree with what I’m doing, if he knew who I was; and

WHEREAS, Now is not the time to let up, people

BY VIRTUE of the legal authority granted to me by the most recent Globe poll,

I, Charles D. Baker, Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, do immediately declare, that

The following are PROHIBITED:

Long Toss

Skeet Shooting

Home Run Derby

Frisbee Golf

Ding Dong Ditch

Lawn Darts

52 Pickup

Waving To A Passing Boat

Foie Gras

Backtalk

Yelling Out the Window of Your Car

Making the Motions of a Fist Bump

Whispering A Secret

Looking for Sea Glass

Second Thoughts

Questions About What We Did With Nursing Homes

IN ADDITION:

The street game commonly known as “Four Square” shall not be allowed, unless its participants call it Sixteen Square, to allow for social distancing

EXCEPTIONS:

This order shall not apply to abortion clinics, or any other groups I am beholden to;

NOR to gun shops or churches, or any other groups that have rolled me;

NOR to golf, because I’m not sure why I banned it in the first place;

NOR to anyone who has my cell phone number

IN ADDITION,

Face masks or coverings or whatever we’re calling them now must be worn at ALL times within the land, air, and sea space of the Commonwealth, whether anybody is nearby or not.

The Commissioner of the Commonwealth’s Executive Office of What I Say MAY allow the TEMPORARY REMOVAL of masks or other face coverings during the performance of:

Underwater swimming

Panic attacks

CPR

Violators of this order will be turned over to the MAYOR OF SOMERVILLE for enforcement.

Given by my hand this day, the 29^th of May, in the 6^th year of my administration,

Charles D. Baker

Governor of the Commonwealth